That's one hell of a title, I know.
For what seems like months, I've been grasping at emotions and thoughts trying to find my next tangible bit of inspiration to write my next piece. As you know, everything in my blog that I've written came from something I experienced or saw, that hit me like a tidal wave. From there, I'd write until my mind had exhausted that revelation.
A girlfriend of mine who is an enthusiastic follower of my blog, gave me a sweet "nudge nudge" and a silly meme asking when I'd be writing my next piece. I told her I'd been trying to find something to inspire me, but kept falling short.
I then had the wild idea to ask her what I could write about, that SHE needed help or insight on. Admittedly, that's the first time I've ever asked a friend what they needed to hear. As an empath however, it made sense in my head.
The day came when I had the writer warm and fuzzies, and I burrowed under my cold sheets notepad in hand ready to scribble up a storm. I figured I'd quickly check my website notifications before I started writing, and someone had subscribed that day.
I can't make this shit up. Someone not only took the time to create an Gmail with my name, but included the company I work for in the name of the email address. I was instantly and furiously defensive. When I post on social media notifying of a new entry on my blog, I purposely exclude any coworkers that I'm connected with. Save those I'd genuinely call friends. My blog is obviously quite personal, and being that my career means everything to me, I make sure to distinctly keep the two separate as much as I can. As you can imagine, this email creation and subscription to my blog struck a pretty sensitive chord within me.
I was on mother-flipping-hot-arse-fire. I sent a threatening email, I tracked that jerks IP address, and should I really ever like to make them shit themselves, I'll do something about it.
Ya'll, I've been in IT for more than a decade. I know people, alright. That's all that needs to be said. I'm not a Carrie Underwood "slash his two front tires", I'm a switch your stock and 401k into my name before the sun rises kind of woman ;)
Anyways, whomever this "Troll" was. Blew the writer inspiration right out of my sails. If you're reading this, you're an asshole. How's that for emotionally intuitive?
Moving On...
In my period of writer's block, a friend wrote me a thoughtful and surprising message on IG out of the blue a while back. Aside from a like here or there on IG, we hadn't talked in ages. Leaving out the details of the message that you guys could gnaw your teeth on, what resonated on a validated level for me, was that he said that I, and my blog "has impacted my life for the better and I really appreciate it".
I see how many views each of my blogs get, however inaccurate or accurate they may be, but I have no idea who those views are. I'll be honest I teared up a bit. In his moment of vulnerability of writing that message to me, he'd given me an incredible gift.
I was ready to write again. <3
"Giving Of Yourself, Without Losing Yourself"
Inspiration
As I mentioned before, my dear girlfriend, had asked that I write about something she was currently going through. Insight she felt she needed. While that which she asked I write about is still something I'm on the path of discovery myself, I felt that the least I could do is share what I've learned thusfar. A bit of a "karmic cycle" if you will, for those of us that believes the universe is more than mesmerizingly beautiful lights scattered across the sky at night.
For anyone reading now that haven't read any previous blog entries of mine, I'd like to preficit the rest of what you'll soon read with something I've become aware of over the last few years. It's that you can't love people into changing. Such a conundrum I know. I bring this up because I feel like it's a sensible lead into the true nature of this particular piece.
A huge part of giving of ourselves whether it be love, friendship, attention, charity, etc. can be lost if we do so with an expected result. We don't, and should never give with the manipulative intent or hope that it will create a person to be what we need. When we do so, we lose ourselves. We forget the true nature of giving, build relationships and connections, and experiencing the journey in every fashion.
Charity · Sacrifice · Selflessness · Love · Giving
Evolutionary Programming
From a young age we're taught to connect and give in an effort to build friendships and relationships. In confidence, I feel like I can make the statement that we're really never as strongly encouraged to learn the boundaries that should come with giving and connecting. I'm not speaking to that which is material. I mean in regards to love, energy, self, time, etc.
The reason we're taught these fundamental foundations is so that we can heal, grow, and evolve our souls. So we can build lasting relationships. So we can learn kindness. So giving, builds a social connection that strengthens our ties to each other. It makes our minds and our hearts healthy. Happy.
In 1995, Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary argued that:
"The need to belong is a fundamental human need to form and maintain at the least a minimum amount of lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships."
They went on to further claim that:
"Human beings are naturally driven toward establishing and sustaining belongingness. We now possess internal mechanisms that direct human beings into lasting relationships and social bonds. Our need to be connected and establish healthy bonds is as essential to our emotional and physical well being as food and safety are."
After many millennia's of evolution, it's hard for us as humans to eliminate all need for some nature of interdependency. From a biological standpoint, we don't need our friends or others to survive...however, we're hardwired to vehemently desire them.
So, we're quite literally programmed with the natural need to belong, and be loved. So no, you're not being weak when you feel lonely, or sad when you're rejected. Allow me to strum those heart strings, by saying that the ability to be authentic and find peace in being alone, does not mean you're not allowed to crave the euphoric connection, that envelops you in harmonious satisfaction.
In order to attract and establish belongingness in our lives, we must create connection...
Giving, Creating, & Strengthening Connection
Personally, I've found the only way to build a true connection, is by first rooting myself in the understanding that every person I build a connection with, or desire to, will be entirely about the journey and not the destination. The best you can ever do, is show up as yourself. The universe will help you evolve whatever it is you're creating.
I mentioned at the beginning of this, that you can't will or love someone into changing. You definitely can't expect someone to show up, based on how you treat them or what you give to them emotionally. I really wish it worked that way. When you do this, you're only asking to destroy yourself, and inevitability lose happiness.
Begin by trading in self-consciousness for interest in the other person. Don't worry about giving a performance, but rather creating conversations through emotional-triusm. In other words, create a second nature moral practice of selflessness and release any ego. Be present. Develop empathy by making listening a priority, sharing your feelings when you recognize an emotion in the other person (this means putting yourself in the other person's shoes), be vulnerable, and watch for body language cues.
I've found those I connect with most, are the ones I intently listen to. I find not only just the similarities between us, but those things which I admire about the person. Most often, those of the things that vastly separate, or differentiate us from each other. Whether it be emotion, intellectual, or similar. Many in the past, I've admired in such a way I wanted to learn to have that quality or bit of intelligence myself. These things have been powerful motivators of self-growth for me.
I think the most incredible advice I heard, in relation of really getting to know someone, was to "trust the process". Which means, take smalls steps and be casual. Remember we're human, and though two people may have vast similarities, there will undoubtedly be moments of miscommunication, and strange situations. I know there's be plenty of times that I interpreted something someone said, completely out of context of how they meant it, and vice-versa.
Lastly, if you're serious about building a connection. Make a plan to take action, show up in their world. If you don't take the time to sustain relationships you've created, they will weaken. Key components of strong relationships like trust, take time and effort.
Boundaries & Maintaining Self
Codependency
"Their happiness is my happiness". "I can't live without them". "I don't know who I am, if they're not in my life".
There was a time in my younger years, where I had yet discovered my sense of self. I found comfort in living in another's shadow, because I hadn't ventured onto my own path before. I allowed fear, limitations, clambered in death-grip like fashion to those things I knew, and therefore, became a shell. Their hobbies were my own, their stance and feelings in an argument outside the both of us were MY stance and feelings... I had completely relinquished all bits of my soul and being to become who they were, who I thought they needed me to be.
Codependency is grossly common. Even those of us with the strongest sense of self, will falter and fall into some makeshift version due to love or fear. It's the reason we must develop boundaries in all aspects of our lives, and that can only begin when we've rooted a solid self-identity.
I want to first say, the journey to finding yourself, never ends. It does however, need to begin. We are ever-changing, ever-evolving, whether it be by influences of those or the world around us (as we allow it), or self-motivated. This is another part of life, where you burrow your mind in tranquility, that life is effortlessly about the journey and not the destination.
The best way to establish healthy boundaries, and avoid slipping into codependency is to understand and know how to live for yourself. You can only do this, by first discovering who you are. Who you are, is what you value, what brings you joy, what motivates you, etc. I truly believe that due to our evolutionary programming we're all going to fall victim to dependency and forget boundaries at times. At least with our developed sense of self, we'll recognize when this occurs, and be able to rectify it quickly. Everything in life comes in waves, presents itself as trials, and gives us the opportunities to become stronger.
It was yesterday actually I had a thought my own identity, as I was putting my dishes away. A smile crept to the corners of my mouth, and moment of self love washed over me. The last few years as I've dove into self-discovery, I've really tried to learn what makes me different. What makes me Amanda. I used to think the things that separated us were entirely surface level. That largely our emotions, thought patterns, and behaviors were similar. We're so far from, and the best part is that we're supposed to be.
Finding your sense of self, is so much more about what makes you different, than what makes you the same. The best way to do this is to frequently step back and see how you react to things in life, how you think, how you feel, how you spend your time. Make time to be in the quiet, and connect with yourself. Only when we truly slow down can we begin to understand who we are, and what we're capable of (a huge factor in determining what we can give, and how much).
I'll give you an example. How I process a disagreement. A conflict arises, and instantly my entire being and mind will shift into reserved mode. I begin assessing everything about the situation, putting myself in the other persons shoes, and trying to analyze an outcome that will build and not destroy whatever it is that's involved. I never yell, or belittle, or swear...oh, I'll bawl like a baby though. You bet your sweet ass, LOL. I'm sooo sensitive.
I could never be sure of that about myself though, if I didn't SLOW DOWN and work towards knowing myself. I have night terrors, I leave the lids off things because I'm always in a hurry, I have RBF because I fear rejection and have initial shyness, I bite the insides of my cheeks due to anxiety, I can't sleep with socks on because it makes me feel claustrophobic, if I'm sitting along deep in thought I pull my knees to my chest resting my chin on top and I play with the tops of my feet, I intentionally step over cracks in the pavement when I walk because that dumb nursery rhyme (yes, I'm aware I'm 32)...
These are a few of the very simple, but millions of things that are ME.
So, you have your sense of self. Where do boundaries come in so you don't become codependent and lose your self-identity?
"Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between."
“A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends . . . The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you” (n.d.).
A boundary is anything that you need to help you maintain your identity, self-respect, or anything that is necessary to help you maintain a healthy and happy mind.
This means in all aspects of life albeit professional or personal, you take the time to take part in your hobbies. You say "no" when you want to say "no". You use the words "me, mine, I". Identify a healthy balance of doing things for "we" or "I". Know that your passions, feelings, and desires will never be the exact same as another.
Beginning to Build Boundaries
No, you're not an asshole. Don't allow yourself to manipulated or guilted by those who haven't built boundaries for themselves.
It's imperative for any nature of relationship to last and become stronger, that those involved maintain their unique identity. Always do so in compassion and patience, but if you lose your own identity discontent is inevitable.
Remember, two people of healthy mind will both have boundaries. You will learn each other's boundaries, and the right person will show up exactly as they desire, and it's up to you if your desire aligns. Anyone who wants to be in your life, will be. It's up to you to only accept them if they're showing up as the best versions of themselves.
Meditation & When to Let Go
Don't beat yourself up
The best thing we can ever do, is find joy in who we are, and who we're becoming. There is no completion date. Take the time to be alone, listen to your feelings, process situations, and find those opportunities to grow.
People will show up in their lives as their meant to, and our reflection of self is not determined by who they choose to be. Each of us are on different paths, and the absolute best thing we can do is to be our authentic self. Love & give where you're meant to, where it matters, and do so without losing yourself.
Identify the lesson you were meant to learn
There's so many times we want to be discouraged. We'll over-analyze, have regrets, and wonder if we just had done something different the outcome may have been more favorable.
All of those things, are supposed to happen...
There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.
Malcom X
I truly believe we're not faced with anything so dire, so difficult that we can't overcome. Everything we face, though it may be a result of our own action, we face because we're meant to grow from it.
We will lose ourselves 1,000 times, but every single time we come back we'll be a more beautiful and wiser version. Take solace that in every moment, who you are is enough. The love you give, the kindness you show the effort you put forth...
I wish I could say those we want to see us will every time, but they won't. You can spend weeks, months, and even years and still not be seen. You're only failing in the those moments, if you're accept to endlessly sacrifice and give yourself to those only with potential, who refuse to show up. Find peace in letting them go.
"Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us, they know exactly how we should be loved"
