How To Do Everything In Life PERFECTLY

Title: A Book Never Written

Author: No One Ever

I impatiently grumble, throwing my covers over my head in ill-protest. Albeit, days where I feel regressed from all my progress, my desire for complete control over every aspect of my life consumes my mood and a grown-up like tantrum ensues.

My Audible list would make you go cross-eyed, ranging from books listened to in-completion, to another half-dozen with only a couple of hours consumed. Some days, kneeled at my bedside in prayer with effort to remember to ask and thank God for every single thing I can think of. Sometimes forgetting, and instead it's spoken aloud as I grasp Adilyn's hand driving to school in the mornings. Podcasts, how-to's, screenshots of wisdom from friends saved in my notepad that I'll frequent...I've entirely dove headfirst into this brain download of self-initiated growth.

One of the biggest parts of my healing process while not necessarily coined a flaw, is something I definitely must master. It's my over-eagerness to reach the finish line of the woman I want to become. As if it's something I can accomplish overnight. I think what taunts me, is that I can see her so clearly. Her wisdom, her love, her strength, her ability to help others. While I've made more leaps and bounds these past two years than my entire life combined, my lack of patience to get where I want to be is less than desirable.

I think what can eat at my core, and that which I despise the most are those inevitable moments where I realize I've made a mistake. I've spoken too boldly doing anything less than to uplift someone, or when I've experienced something in a moment or lesson, therefore leading me to realize how much more growth and healing that I still yet have to come.

If only, there was some sort of way to automatically download every bit of information and knowledge we need. A lifetime's worth.

Patience, is a virtue I'm learning, and consciously it's a daily effort to teach myself how to live in the present.

Slowing Down & Treasuring How Far You've Come

Last week, I mentioned to a friend that I was having a bad day. I will gratefully admit, the days where I would get lost, wrap my arms around my knees and cry...have become few and far between. It's truly saying a lot, when so frequently in the past I'd lose my way.

One thing I've been learning, is to be proud of myself for that which I've accomplished or learned. I think what drives me to be successful in anything that I do, is my un-relinquished desire to be ever-constant in my strive to better myself. However, I can at times allow that desire to get out of control, and I always end up spreading myself far too thin. Even failures insignificant, if I forget in the moment to love myself, can add up to that which feels overwhelmingly surmounting. Though I can never be as such, I'm unlearning the expectation that I must be perfect.

Baby steps. I know, I know...

I read somewhere once, that we're all on a different journey, even if our paths may cross uniquely similar at the same time. To compare yourself would be destructive. Almost instantaneously in that moment, when I read it, I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Knowing that my journey was my own, and there exists no particular time stamp of when I must reach any particular point.

It's a show of bravery, when every morning you wake up and fight the demons or weaknesses felt from trials that life has placed before you to suffer and learn from. All I know in surety, with every affirmation of my soul, is that I want to grow old, looking back at my life knowing that I became as strong, kind, and positively loving and influential to others that crossed my life path as I was meant to.

Each time I reach a point of frustration, or get down on myself for making a mistake...As I mentioned, I'll search for that grateful realization within myself that I'm not perfect. Nor can I, or will I ever be. What I can focus on, is appreciation that regardless of what I face, I will choose to positively grow from. That I'm ever self-aware of where I'm supposed to be, because I've learned what I can control, and I'm constantly focusing on loving and appreciating the process.

"Self-love is complete forgiveness, acceptance and respect for who you are deep down - all your beautiful and hideous parts included" - Alethia Luna

Motherhood

It's 7:15 a.m., and I'm sitting outside Adilyn's school in the parking lot waiting for her step-mom to drop her off. She was with her dad the night before, and she gets dropped off before the school even opens. So, I wait for her at school so she can sit and visit with me in the warmth of the car until the doors open.

Overprotective? Undoubtedly.

I remember as a child, the many times where I felt unwanted, or inadequate. She can't ever feel unwanted. Pushed to the side. Unheard.

So I'm there for class parties, I'm the play-date mom, I'm the pay for, and drive her to cheer and soccer mom. I teach her to rock climb, swim, ski, fish, take her to church when her dad's teaching her God doesn't exist, you name it. I show her life, and if I don't know it, I learn it with her.

Yet my current struggle with being a momma, is that even though I do everything I can, I'll drop her off at her dad's house, and my instantly my shoulders will slump. I'll replay any moment where perhaps I was too impatient, or maybe I should have snuggled her a minute longer.

I'm choking back tears as I write this. She's the most important responsibility in my life. The one thing I can absolutely not fail at. She must grow up, and have zero fear in being her authentic self. To know she's loved endlessly, and to love herself. Motherhood is terrifying.

I guess my point is, that learning to live in the present and never being able to reach perfection applies to motherhood as well. I can see in every minute of every day that I spend with Adilyn, the beauty of the soul she is. If I appreciate and love that little girl as much as I do, then I must be doing OK. I rather need to focus on what I can teach her next, and to make sure I'm always showing up for her.

"Motherhood is a choice you make everyday. To put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own. To teach the hard lessons. To do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong." - Donna Ball

Showing Up

*$%@!?*&^+

I am so blessed to have those in my life that I do. One of the hardest lessons I learned, that I now appreciate most, is letting go of those who were only meant to "pass through". Taking each and every friendship, and learning what I was meant to from it. Perhaps even, acting as a vessel of lessons learned for others, though I may not have had anything to learn from it.

One thing I've struggled with lately, is not necessarily "showing up", but finding a way to balance connections. I have been blessed to connect with incredible spiritual and massive influences that have provided a lot of light and guidance in my life.

Hints the noted muted profanity above, too often I'll realize a call has gone unanswered, or a text response unsent. I have no insight here of this problem, but a cry for suggestion or input. Is it merely just impossible to manage them all? I feel crushed, and awful when I realize I've done so.

I value every friendship I have so greatly, and whilst I know some friendships come and go in terms of their fluidity in my life, I do find such great importance in maintaining them, and providing value to them as much and as often as I can.

Don't Hurt Me

" Personal growth is not a matter of learning new information but of unlearning old limits" - Alan Cohen

I'm sharing this, in raw vulnerability. I realize that in doing so, it may push some away but know I'm OK with that. For the mere fact, I'd rather lose those not strong enough to handle my ability to be who I am, so that I can provide comfort and inspiration to those that may be, or have been on a similar path.

My toughest lesson, is one that I'm continuing to unlearn. Progress at times, can feel like I'm attempting to chop down a Redwood Tree, with a plastic knife. Years of trauma, led me to be an adult with lots of defense/coping mechanisms. I had to abandon the belief that I must create a false self to be loved, To bury my emotions, therefore losing touch with who I really was. Terrified that if I removed the mask, I would no longer be loved. Yet I hid away the very things that made me Amanda.

Years of hurt, that then led into adulthood as I entered romantic relationships. I made choices, because I thought I didn't have a choice. I abandoned my true-self, thought negatively of myself, and swallowed my feelings for fear of neglect. By burying my feelings, I lost sight of who I was, who I needed to become, and instead became passive.

I'm grateful, for every single experience that led me to where I am now. While today, I'm a vastly differently woman than I was even 6 months ago, who thinks and responses very differently in situations now... it's still hard.

I've come to know and create healthy boundaries, that are now in place as I've learned to love myself, know what I will accept in my life, and what I will not. I've become comfortable with who I am, and every day is a new layer of authenticity I'm not afraid to show the world.

Here come the tears again...

I still fight the fear of being hurt. Being betrayed. Without meaning to, I'll say or do something and realize I've put up a wall. I'll put my face in my hands and think "shi*t, I did it again". However, I recognize my triggers now. What can happen or be said, that leads me to those habits that I'm so determined to unlearn. This is likely the piece of my healing, that I get the most impatient with.

I am so self-aware, focused on growth, immersed in that which is overwhelmingly good, and impactfully healthy...that when I misstep, I get frustrated. So I'll have those days, when I'll pull the covers over my head and growl to myself. It's a constant reminder, to remember how far I've come, and to remember how important it is to become the woman I want to be.

I know who I am. I know the love I have to give. I know how important those in my life, are to me. I know I have someone watching, that I have to be an example to. I just have to remind myself, to be kinder...to me.

" This journey,

this path,

it's not meant to have you question who you are,

but instead...

help you align who you've been,

with who you're meant to be,

I hope you know that only you know what that means,

no one can tell you who you are... except you. " - Tiffany Moule